Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Mormons: Give them Ice Water and They'll Cut Your Grass (or not)

Today two Mormon "missionaries" came to my door. I invited them inside, because it's eleventy-thousand degrees outside and I felt sorry for them.  My dogs were barking like crazy and jumping on them (because that's what they do to everyone).  I gave them some ice water and the games began.

They obviously had a script, but I took over the conversation.  It was funny.  They asked me if I had ever heard of or read the book of mormon, and I said that respectfully, I did not believe it to be divinely inspired and consider it to be blasphemous against the Bible, the one true word of God.  I told them about my devout Lutheran Missouri Synod beliefs, and they kept going back to the script whenever I paused. Like this: Me, "Luther's Small Catechism is a wonderful guide to all things regarding scripture and understanding the sacraments." Them, "So, ah, do you have a favorite parable or story?" So then I'd prattle on about my favorite parable, which is about storing up treasures in heaven rather than on earth where rust and moth destroy (Matt.6:16-19).  As soon as I paused, they asked me, "So, um, do you have a favorite Bible verse?" I said, "Oh, yes, of course the most important is John 3:16." The one guy tilted his head like he was thinking, then recited the verse. I thought, of course I know the content of the verse, why do you think I said it was my favorite? Dumb.  It went on like this for about a half an hour, them asking a question and me going on and on and on about something semi-related, emphasizing that LCMS Lutherans evangelize by example and it is God who truly turns our hearts to the light.  When they got up to leave, they said, "If there's anything you need, just let us know, like we can mow your lawn or walk your dogs to help you out." I said I needed my lawn mowed because I was so flat broke, and they said they couldn't do it. Hah.  They asked if they could come back to talk about the "mission" and I said, "Honestly, I don't think my husband would be comfortable with two men coming evangelize to me in our home. But you're welcome to come by for a glass of water."  Buahaha I'm so sneaky.  I'm fairly sure they'll come back, and I'm going to evangelize them again.

You might think it's mean, but I stand behind what I did.  I've seen my fair share of just-out-of-high-school mormon missionaries, especially at Iowa State, and it's fun to talk to them until you see a glimpse of the person inside the Mormon Robot Mask.  For example, the younger one asked the names of my dogs, and while I was telling him, the older one gave him a dirty look, like "don't deviate from the plan, dude!" LOL. The younger one told me his mom had a shihtzu like mine and his name was Gizmo. Cute name for a shihtzu, I must say so.  I also learned about the younger one that he lived alone in an apartment in my town for the first time away from his family (of course) and they live in New Mexico. The other dude lived in a town like 30 miles from here.  I don't think he had a personality, but we'll see if I can get "Elder Gardner" to reveal it next time. [Insert evil laughter].

Oh yeah, and I told the younger guy he could take Lucy because I'm looking for a new home for her after we move, and you should have seen the way his eyes lit up! Then he looked at his partner, and said, "Oh, I can't have a dog."  Will somebody give this poor kid a freaking puppy dog??

P.S. It's a good thing I turned off the Eminem I was listening to before I answered the door. Snort.


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