Notes on a Garage Sale

Day One Garage Sale Extravaganza

7:47am.  Got my first customer.  The sign says 8AM  PEOPLE.

7:57am.  FIVE crazies got here before 8am.  Also, I made my first sale.  I sold a candle a student once gave me as a Christmas gift for $0.50.  I know, I have no soul.

8:15am. There seems to be a town-wide fight over who gets to buy my broken lawnmower.  A guy just gave me a deposit. And took the wheel.

8:18am.  The most popular item here is my dog.  I knew this was a great sales ploy.

8:25am.  My grandmother's china went. It's ok, she said I could sell it. Don't make that face.

8:34am.  This is how I look today. I swear I didn't do it on purpose.  But cleavage is also probably helping with the sales.

8:38am. My neighbor's husband came over to buy the mower. The one I already sold. Great. Now the only neighbors who liked me are gonna turn to the dark side, too.  Over a broken lawnmower.  Sometimes I hate Iowa.

8:43am. A guy just asked me if our house was for sale (it's not listed). I told him it was.

8:46am. Teddy has a girlfriend. A tiny girldog named Griswold. Good thing he's missing his man parts.

8:59am. A lady holds up a book with a giant orange $0.25 sticker on it. "How much is this? I don't have my glasses on."  Uh huh.  Sure, lady.

9:07am. My first haggler.  3 Christmas potholders for $0.25 each.  Asked if I'd take $0.50 for all 3.  Sure.  Why not.

9:23am.  I have a headache.  There are no customers.  Risk going inside for a Tylenol? Yes, I think I shall.  But I'm taking the $ with me.

9:29am.  Ibuprofen. Not sleeping pills.  It's always good to double-check.

9:37am.  Iowa. A guy just asked if my husband was home.  Then he asked if we had any shotguns for sale. Or hunting knives. But "U.S. only. I don't want none of that foreign stuff."

10:05am. None of these skinny *itches will buy my old clothes. They're good clothes! The icky ones I tossed or used for fabric.  I just can't fit my boobs in 'em anymore!  Also, I just finished a crossword puzzle.  And I only cheated 5 times.

10:22am. I just met the "overshare" lady.  I mentioned that I was a teacher (because we were talking about children's books).  She says, "My daughter, she teaches over in North Omaha to all the little black kids."  Um....not sure what to say to that.  

*Note to self: take any mention of this blog off my facebook wall.

10:29am. Is it Hide and Seek or Hide and Go Seek? Crossword #3.

10:32am. I think I'll turn on my Ipod now.

10:33am.  I need some lip gloss. Or balm. Some lip-helping substance of some kind.

10:35am. That's better.

10:46am.  Finished another crossword. Only cheated twice. But honestly, how am I supposed to know "Goodman's drummer in '35" ? If you know without googling it, I will give you ten internets. I, of course, already know, because I cheated.

10:56am.  I decide to let my psycho beagle out to pee, and that's when the first customers in 45 minutes show up.  At least they bought a belt.

11:23am.  I think that lady is the 15th person to comment on the weather. "Sure is hot today." Iowa.

Day Two Garage Sale Let's-Get-This-Over-With


8:02am.  A woman just bought $20 worth of stuff.  Today might just turn out to be a good day.  Favorite quote:  "Will you take $1.60 for that hippo thing?" Orig. $2.

8:25am. Spoke too soon.  Haven't had any customers since awesome-lady. My next customer just did a drive-by. My crap isn't even good enough to get out of the car for.

8:38am. It started raining. Just as I got everything inside, it stopped and the concrete dried.

8:47am. Severe thunderstorms all day? Flash flood warnings? Are you kidding me??

9:10am.  New low.  I've begun offering to sell stuff from inside my house.

9:18am. Questioning my self-worth after selling a semi-defective mini-dvd-player.  Even if I did tell them it only works sometimes.  The guiltiest $10 I made all weekend.

9:59am.  Sun came out. It can't fool me.  Once I lug all my crap back outside it's just going to rain again.

10:15am. There are no other customers. Really? You're going to park there?

10:31am. Smoking in public is legal.  Smoking in my driveway is tolerable.  Smoking in my garage which is under my home? No way.  I'm allergic to cigarette smoke.  I try to stay away from it in public. But don't be an ass and force it on me in my own garage. 

10:57am. No customers since the rude-cig-guy. I'm cold, tired, and thinking of closing up shop an hour early.

11:07am. Look at all the stuff I didn't sell. FAIL.